20 February 2007
Fish, Wine, Fake Parents
My brother and sister-in-law plied me with fish tacos and wine last night and my nephew entertained me with stories of Star Wars characters. It was stellar. I'm still a little hungover and I still have 84 midterms to grade by Thursday, but I needed a night of relaxation. This is partly because I've been busily telling myself (and anyone around me -- S., E., roomies -- sorry!) for several weeks that I'm a failure and a fraud and all kinds of other neurotic insecurities/fill in the blank with your own anti-Stuart Smalleyism. Then I finally met with my advisor yesterday. All the things I thought she was going to tell me were poorly-thought-out she actually liked, and all my utterly type-A perfectionist neuroses calmed down when she just said straightforward, supportive things and exuded confidence that everything would be just fine (including her health, which is better). This is what I imagine having good parents is like. I tried not to show her my crazy, she just managed to be soothing in her calmness. I know it's completely pathetic that I'm apparently so desperate for my advisor's time and approval, especially given how much she's been dealing with the last few years, but it is true that when I go long periods without meeting with her, like the last several months, I spiral into a self-doubt that is really not very productive. I secretly suspect most grad students start to depend on their advisors as fake parents, except for the rare individual who is actually totally mature and self-disciplined. OK, it's probably just me. Maybe someday I'll have a neurotic grad student fake son or daughter of my very own.
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5 comments:
In my biased opinion, your advisor is simply exceptional. She is a great diplomat who can see through the smoke and mirrors - including those that grad students erect around ourselves. This is why she can calm your anxieties. (This also allows her to offer feedback on written work that comes out as "this is going really well." Later you realize the subtext was "you've got a lot of work ahead of you.")
Anyway, with this role model you'll deal skillfully with your own neurotic grad students.
I'm glad to hear that she is doing better.
some advisors make it all seem to easy. :) And I'm sure that whatever you were doing was excellent - self doubt is a killer. I am scared shitless of this fall. What the hell do I know about international relations? The reading list is huge, too. Fascinating, though. None of this supportive advisor crap for europeans, though....
I think you hit on something about the type-A personalities in grad school and the fake-parent advisors.
My relationships with family are complicated. I have said this - she is my real mom.
My advisor I mean. :) Whoops.
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